I need a day.
That’s all I could think about this morning in my math lecture, even though paying attention probably would have benefited me more. The thing is, I need a day, but I don’t get one. Nowhere does it say that I can just take a break when I need it, and everything will be just as I left it when I’m ready to come back. I really wish that would be how life works. Unfortunately, that’s not how things are.
Basically, this weekend is going to be a struggle for me. I have assignments to do, on top of papers to write, on top of exams to study for. On a normal basis this would be manageable for me, but my laptop crashed last night and I haven’t been able to fix it so far. I messed up on a quiz earlier this week, and all this has taught me is that I am not good with failure. It feels overwhelming right now, and it feels like I am being pushed to my breaking point.
Spirit of the living God, come fall afresh on me, come wake me from my sleep.
I spent the majority of this week sharing my testimony during various conversations. Little did I know that by the end of the week, God would really be putting me to the test. Right now, it really feels like He is pushing me on my faith and the things I fellowshipped over. It feels like the Father is saying, “You said three times this week that your life is grounded in Christ, sometimes things are very black and white for you in that it’s easy for you to trust that My plan is greater, and your life is found within Mine? Okay, now prove it to Me.”
As Your love, in wave after wave crashes over me, crashes over me. For You are for us, You are not against us: Champion of heaven, You made a way for all to enter in…You make me brave, You call me out beyond the shore into the waves…no fear can hinder now the Love that made a way.
He’s not tempting me. God doesn’t do that. And I understand that He might be allowing the devil to attack what is comfortable for me in order to see if I can stand firm on my foundation, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t hard for me. Yet even in the middle of knowing that God is checking the validity of what I’ve been preaching, I can also hear Him saying, “Dear daughter, I know you can do this. Turn to me, because you are feeling weak, and I am always your strength. Don’t run from that; come and find rest in Me.”
I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the Hands of the Maker of heaven. I give it all to You, God, trusting that You’ll make something beautiful out of me.
It’s hard. I feel like I am overdue for a long cry. But I’m trying to rest in the assurance that He is good. That in Him the victory has already been won and all that is left for me to do is to stand firm. I know I can do this. When it feels like the going’s getting rough, I will hold onto Him, because He is all I have ever known.
“There are days where I can’t wait to go to bed because I know His mercies are new every morning, and I feel like I’ve almost run out.” –Matt Chandler
I just need peace. If you are reading this, please, please pray for me. The little things are adding up, and I need all the prayer I can get.
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