Really quick, I just want to share with you something I learned recently. Jesus is teaching me a new lesson every day; sometimes it’s a part of a bigger lesson and sometimes it’s one that seems to stand alone. But regardless, every day I am learning. He’s always trying to teach us something–are we listening?
Tuesday night I needed more from God (that was last night). And last Tuesday night I was an absolute wreck, waking up the following morning with so much frustration directed at God that it felt like I was falling apart. As a daughter of the King I have been a lot of things, but I have never once been frustrated or upset at God. What added to my frustration was that I knew I had no right to be angry with Him. But I was, and it was hard for me to come to terms with it. My life lately has been an endless cycle of learning [spiritual] lesson after lesson, nonstop. It’s exhausting. I’m tired. I am tired of going through cycles of not being okay. And as much as I know that it’s okay to not be okay, I hate it when everything feels like it’s up in the air and where/with who/when can I feel grounded again?
It’s exhausting. Sometimes, being a Christian is downright exhausting.
But it is also the biggest blessing to live and walk in His light.
So anyway, last night I needed more from God. I needed more answers, I needed something. I stood in the bathroom getting ready for bed and I talked to Him, which is something I have been doing nearly all the time lately (more good things). And as I was standing there, I felt Him telling me one thing: stay. It was immediate enough that I questioned it right off the bat, because doubting is easy and it’s second-nature and how do I really know if something’s from God?
But “stay”. It kept coming to me. I kept hearing Him say that one word. All I was hearing was “stay”.
Okay, then. God was telling me to stay. But then came my second problem: what does that even mean? This wasn’t anything I had ever gotten from God before and I couldn’t put it into a Biblical context at 12:30am in the morning. So I pulled out my journal and started writing, because when I am going through a period of life where I am growing this much I always need to write things down (hello, blog). I wasn’t actively looking for an explanation for His answer–sometimes I just take it, accept it, and try to live it out in my life–and just wrote to sort out my feelings, because also lately I haven’t been able to reconcile what I know in my head with what I feel in my heart. (My life’s a mess, guys. I am breaking down all the time and my life is being wrung out and I am struggling.)
Then somehow I wrote this, and in the meeting of pencil to paper I understood what He meant by “stay”:
There was so much peace when I was [saying] we can’t expect God to work based off our timeline. That’s all I know. Patience.
You can’t give God a timeline. He works when He works and He is also always working, even when you can’t see it, even when you don’t know in which area of your life He is working. I promise you, He is working. And that’s hard for me to type because that was my struggle last week–knowing He had to be working but not seeing where/how/when. And then I learned you can’t give God a timeline, because He has his own. And that one won’t change, so yours has to. And by your timeline changing, I mean that you have to give up the idea that God has to come through when you want Him to. That’s not how He works and things will happen in His time.
I don’t know a lot of things. In the middle of one of the biggest storms of my life, sometimes all I know is that I don’t know. But that’s okay, because it’s okay to not be okay. All I know some nights is that I do know God. I pray to know more of how He works. And I know that even when I feel like I’ve taken a long walk and ended up at the same place, and even when it feels like I’m stuck, I’m not. Knowing Christ is an endless spiral that goes up. You feel like you’re in the same place, but you’ve only gone up.
So upwards I go, towards the King of glory, for His glory.
Stay. Stay in the role in which you have been called: a child of the risen King who has saved you from your life of sin. Stay in what you know: that His love is complete and covers those He loves. Stay in where you are, in where He has placed you: stay here, be present, and rest.
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